I didn't want to let go.

“The trouble is, you’re someone who has the option to NOT let go. You could keep clinging to your need for control, and you’ll still soar...while never truly being free”

This was said to me during a time in my life when I was convinced I had it all together. It was "working". Things were moving forward. My Ego fully fed and resting quietly in the back of my mind.

And still...this statement has lived in my heart me ever since. (truth tends to linger...)

I am GOOD at hiding. I’ll hide in plain sight. 

You and I could sit across from one another for an hour and I could convince you I’m floating on the sea of life with a noodle made of trust.

Meanwhile...back on the farm that is my brain, the Ego has awakened after hearing me saying things like "trust" and "faith" and I begin to quietly freaking out about the number in my bank account or the opportunity that isn’t even here yet that i might have already lost or how everyone is going to discover I’m a fraud at any second!!!!

I learned to swallow my shadows whole, while smiling with delight. No one the wiser. (says the addict who thinks no one can tell she's high...)

I learned to think for myself, fight for myself, speak up for myself and be with myself.

I was on my own and everyone knew I was perfectly fine. 

Right?

Right?...

Independence was something I earned and and I wasn't going to just let it go without a fight...even when the independence began to feel more like a cage than a field of infinite opportunity.

I created quite a codependency with my control. Together, we could have it all.

Just don’t let go.

Control and I were in hot pursuit of this thing called Freedom...little did I know I was riding in the back of the paddy wagon.

My (false) sense of independence created a prison; and my control held the key.  

If FREEDOM is what I wanted, I was gonna have to let go of creating it with control.

These days, when you and I sit across from one another, I'll let you see what’s REALLY there. Because the TRUTH is all anyone ever wants. 

(Turns out, #truth is what makes for great comedy, too...) #bonus

I’ve learned that my FREEDOM, my TRUEST form of #independence is created through connection.

When I am held. When I am seen. When I take up space. 

When I LET GO, I am FREE.

On this day, and everyday, may we ALLOW ourselves to feel our freedom, not in spite of, but BECAUSE of our connections.

Happy (inter)dependence Day.

Stay connected. 
xxo,
~ J

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Jenn Lederer